Lesson: Pick a face, any face.

Some beginners in this craft often confuse being evil with being mean. You do not have to appear wicked to the person you're taking advantage of. Sometimes a disconnect between how nice you appear and how you really act sets things up in a way that you'll find useful later on.

But the nagging question really occupying my mind today is -- how come there aren't any firings in the new year yet. I understand how holiday-time dismissals are in bad form, but it's Jan already. Somebody better be locked out of her computer soon.

Lesson: Parties are for rumors.

Had a wonderfully productive day. The holiday party was a huge success. I managed to drop hints about an impending merger, where Amy's division would be absorbed into the incoming new dept's. Beth suggested putting a cell with an open connection in Amy's office but I vetoed it, it's rather risky and would just record Amy's calls home to her baby's nanny. We need a way to tap into her communiques without exposing ourselves. I shall take time to research some espionage tricks. Evil takes too much time sometimes, oh well, the payoff is immense.

Lesson: When you don't know, you distract.

If you find yourself in a situation that confounds you, the fastest way to hide your insecurity is to ask detailed and self-contradicting questions. Chances are, the person presenting has no clue either and will be so defensive that your lack of knowledge is covered up.

Cyn and I were at a client's today and one of the suits asked her a question I didn't brief her on (I'm like her personal Cliff Notes, only in heels), I recovered quickly and diverted the focus with a bunch of random technical details. It was a close call. Next time, I'll be sure not to get the assistant fired before she can transition all the account information. I hate it when I have to do work.

Lesson: Rules are for others.

A good way to corral others is to keep them busy with new processes and rules and systems that you never follow yourself. I sensed the vibe at work is too leisurely today, and quickly acted. I had a memo out to everyone about a new system of filing and processing insertion orders. This new workflow is nothing like what I implemented a few weeks ago -- you have to confuse the masses to control them. Stuart had the gall to question me. I told him it's because Amy's department missed its target and the big honchos are cracking down. Good way to start rumors and assert my power.

The project of organizing old insertion orders in the new way falls to Cyn, of course. Ahh.

Lesson: The enemy of your enemy is your friend.

Evil takes energy, as you will learn yourself if you try to put the tactics shown here to use in life. A good way to multiply the damage is to find out who your enemy's enemies are and befriend them pronto. You don't have to like them, certainly not ever trust them, just use them. Capitalize on your mutual hatred and start conquering the world.

My enemy (no, not Evie, she is merely a peon I amuse myself with), Amy, has recently become the head of a division. I can't see how, seeing how she is equally as talentless as I am, and while capability has nothing to do with success, I want to know how she has out-maced Ms. Mac.

Today I made a breakthrough in IDing her enemy. Thanks to some surrepititious listening-in of open-door conference calls, I have found her arch-nemesis. Beth. She runs a different marketing department and is fighting with Amy over who gets to finalize the pricing of a deal. I see the beginning of a beautiful and mutually-beneficial relationship....

Lesson: Blame it on the one who left.

Cynthia was freaking out today, some files from the last fiscal year were missing. I used to be her assistant, so she came to me. Naturally I had no idea where those blasted files are. I do not keep track of things well, am so not a good assistant. When you're too good as an assistant, you will not move up.

Ms. Machiavelli that I was, I pinned the lack of organization on Dominique, a fictitious employee who left a while ago. It's always a good idea to blame it on someone who left the company -- those who are not present can not defend themselves. I had to make up a body in this case, but it worked. Cynthia was grunting about never going to her favorite temp agency for help again, because "Dominique" came from there. All in all, a good day. Files are still missing, blame is never on me.

Lesson: Life is not fair.

If you think people who succeed are just smarter, more capable, etc., that is a giant misconception I will dissuade you of right now. People who succeed start out with better conditions, latch onto other lucky ones and kick the weakers ones off of the curb.

At next week's sales meeting, everyone will hear that Evelyn's 1st quarter totals will be so much lower than Stuart's. That's because her accounts are all small fries, whereas Stuart, bless his idiotic heart, has been smart enough to kiss up to me all year long and was given big clients. While Evelyn was frantically soothing her micro-managing clients on the phone, Stuart is with me at "sales conferences," getting wined and dined. Hah. It's about time she realized ability has nothing to do with success, it's not about trying harder, it's about trying smarter.