Lesson: Blame it on the one who left.

Cynthia was freaking out today, some files from the last fiscal year were missing. I used to be her assistant, so she came to me. Naturally I had no idea where those blasted files are. I do not keep track of things well, am so not a good assistant. When you're too good as an assistant, you will not move up.

Ms. Machiavelli that I was, I pinned the lack of organization on Dominique, a fictitious employee who left a while ago. It's always a good idea to blame it on someone who left the company -- those who are not present can not defend themselves. I had to make up a body in this case, but it worked. Cynthia was grunting about never going to her favorite temp agency for help again, because "Dominique" came from there. All in all, a good day. Files are still missing, blame is never on me.

Lesson: Life is not fair.

If you think people who succeed are just smarter, more capable, etc., that is a giant misconception I will dissuade you of right now. People who succeed start out with better conditions, latch onto other lucky ones and kick the weakers ones off of the curb.

At next week's sales meeting, everyone will hear that Evelyn's 1st quarter totals will be so much lower than Stuart's. That's because her accounts are all small fries, whereas Stuart, bless his idiotic heart, has been smart enough to kiss up to me all year long and was given big clients. While Evelyn was frantically soothing her micro-managing clients on the phone, Stuart is with me at "sales conferences," getting wined and dined. Hah. It's about time she realized ability has nothing to do with success, it's not about trying harder, it's about trying smarter.

Lesson: Naming is Claiming

One way to exert power in the guise of friendship is by inventing nick-names for your coworkers. I insist on calling Evelyn Evie, though I know she hates it. Cynthia is Cyn. Stuart is Stu. Use this maxim at your disposal.

You name them, you can control them.

Slaveowners used this to their advantage, they gave their last-names to their slaves, it's a way of coralling them invisibly.

I used this liberally when interviewing my freelancers today. I tried out name abbreviations for various interviewees, whenever someone cringes at my new moniker for him/her, I made a note not to this person back. I need someone I could control, after all, this poor sap is going to be doing my job. Hehe.